this is my last night in new york.
halfway i will be happy to go home tomorrow, halfway i wish i could stay longer.
i just realized that my diary turned 1 on july 26th.
this trip...i could go into explicit details about it, but it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. i think that i've come to a lot of conclusions while i've been here, and i think that the understanding i have gained while on vacation is something that is a lot more important than remembering where i have been. i have pictures for that besides.
after my initial miniature freakout the first two days i was in the city, i feel better now than i have in months. being in new york has triggered my drive to move forward. i feel like i've been sitting in chicago wasting away from the time i moved up there, going through motions, waiting for things to happen and forgetting that nothing will happen if i just sit there, allowing myself to be consumed by my depression, being self destructive and unhappy, chasing after people and longing for companionship, hoping for things to turn out as i'd like. at some point, i had gotten so lost in sadness i gave up all the control i had and put in other people's hands. probably why i felt so lost and helpless all the time.
i had tea with my aunt whos not really my aunt today. we talked all afternoon, and she told me a lot of things that really put the faith in myself that i had lost back. i think i will probably remember that conversation for the rest of my life as a turning point. i've made peace with the way things are and about things i can't change. i can only look forward now. and i will return to chicago now, happier, calmer, and ready to change all the things that i've been unhappy with for so long.
and so, this trip to new york, while i will be pretty poor for a while because of it, was probably one of the best things i've decided to do in a long time.
oh by the way, i've cleaned up the diary a lot, deleted a lot of frivolous things.