i am becoming totally utterly socially unacceptable. and its okay. i like hanging out by myself more and more. in some ways. its kinda neat, to not have to have idle chit chat, not have to go places you dont really feel like going, do and look however you want cause its all about you. its freeing.
i think i've been like this for a while, cause i remember in college going to parties with people, getting sick of all the noise and crowds and running out of booze, and lack of worthwhile conversation, and if i didn't feel like taking someone home with me for a little grope session, i would just take off, not tell anyone where i was going, walk home from whereever and feel completely relieved to be alone again.
on those long walks home i had lots of time to think. and i'd think about why i left, wonder if anyone missed me, wonder why i always did this, why i never had fun like everybody else. then i would get home and sit in my underwear, smoke a cigarette, and listen to cds, lie in bed naked and enjoy the coolness of the sheets on my skin, turn on art bell and catch up on my conspiracy theories. and the bliss would last for maybe an hour, followed by the lonliness, thinking about how the phone never rings, why no one cared i wasn't with them, wanting someone, anyone just to be there with me and only me, and love me, and just want to lie there with me and do nothing but be together, two of us, and have that be entertainment enough.
the only time i would rather be with people was when i was high. cause when i was all fucked up on whatever i would feel happy and social and talkative and pretty and confident and strong and i would talk to people and be charming and sexy and people would like me so much more than the sober, sullen withdrawn girl who would walk around at parties and watch everyone else and wonder what she was missing and try so hard to make conversation that never seemed interesting enough to the people she was talking with to keep them from drifting to something more exciting.
its pretty much the same today. rarely when i go out is it fun for more than an hour before i get...i dont know how to describe it...its not completely bored or annoyed...its just i WANT TO GO HOME. i can't explain it. not like i have a great time by myself...i get lonely and anxious and wishandwish for someone to call but when they do and ask me to go places, i say no. then get all upset about saying no.
i seriously hate myself for shit like this. why am i like this? how can i fix it? i dont know. i wish i could. i want to be happy, but doing shit like sitting at home avoiding society really does nothing but perpetuate misery.
it comes and goes. in a couple weeks i will get back into wanting to be with people, but the thing is after avoiding my friends for so long, by the time i want to hang out again, no one has time for me cause i hurt their feelings when i avoid them. so its my big old self perpetuating circle of being dumb.
but even though after writing this all out and thinking objectively about what i do and realizing its pretty not normal, i will not will not will not be the girl in the therapist's office crying about my selfinvented problems/ will not take some suspicious prescription medication to make me normal. (and that's ironic-as into drugs as i was) cos for whatever it is,that is me.