the close of day two. soreness, in my shoulders and neck. i'm being pulled apart. i was blessed with a free spirit, where i could go where ever the wind would blow, loving change, loving LIFE. but i was also cursed with this sense, this sense of guilt, of obligation, of submission. to circumstances and other people. i am too afraid that being carefree is going to piss others off, or hurt their feelings. so i sit here and i wait and wait.
uh, i need a massage. badly.
so what should i do? i sit on an invitation to tour america for as long as i could stand it. i sit in my parents house waiting for opportunity. i sit and daydream about working in a highrise somewhere in chicago, the american dream. i imagine strugging sharing an apartment with 4 other people in some distant coastal town. what should i do?
i can't make up my mind. i've never been able to decide on one thing and truly believe that i picked the right thing to make me happy. ever. so i am miserable. desparate.
"gentle carelessness"-thank you fox.
i want to make everyone happy with me. but i know everyone will never be happy with all the decisions i make. and i will never be happy trying and trying to be everything for everyone. i know people love me, but i dont feel it.
do i have such a huge ego that it needs to be stroked constantly? i dont think thats it.
i just want a pat on the head when i come home. people that will let me go and fly around, flap my wings, and come back to tell them some good stories.