i'm not going out anymore. it makes me even more miserable than sitting at home. i talked to ben online today first time i've had contact with him in months. glad he finally popped up again. after our 10 minute conversation he decided he's coming out to visit tomorrow cause he thinks i am depressed. he's even okay with just sitting in the house with me. even though its like a 2 hour commute for him to come out here. i'm glad he's being understanding because i am really in no mood to entertain anyone at all. i went to the fireside tonight to meet some friends and see some bands play and then go get ice cream and have a snowball fight. i left after the second band. and didn't tell anyone. yes. i am awful.
i just want to be able to pinpoint what the source of my misery is. is it seasonal? is it work related? is it post-college confusion? is it because of the boy?
i dont know. i cant do anything. like i seriously can't do it. it's not that i don't want to. i want to, but i can't. cause when i get there i get all anxious and just want to be at home. then i get home and i feel miserable and bored. and bad about ditching the people i went out with.
and not like i can actually explain any of this to anyone. because i can't. unless i am at work answering technical questions, its hard for me to talk to most people with a few exceptions. words get all tangled especially if i tried--i never have been good with those kinds of words. and no one wants to hear me feeling sorry for myself anyway. but i am tired of thinking about it and tired of crying about it every single day. and whoever reads this reads it by choice and if it bored them they would have stopped reading this long ago. unlike if i was telling them-then they are a captive audience. listening to shit they dont want to hear.
and from experience i know that most people i know like to talk more than listen, so i listen to them talk about themselves, and what they did that day and what they are planning on doing and i say "yeah thats cool," and "wow, really?" and "hahaha" and then they say "oh look at the time, i need to go" and i say "ok", and hang up. so i know a lot of people. and i dont think anyone really knows me at all, cause they never take the time to find out. i think i know maybe 4 people who do.
and you know i know that lately all i do is talk about how upset or unhappy i am but you know elizabeth wurtzel wrote an entire book about herself and her self induced misery and it was a NYT bestseller. prozac nation. while i am not planning on publishing the story of my life, if she can be that self indulgent in front of a million people, then i can do it infront of the 20 or however many people who read this diary.
and after this episode, i'm sure it will be in front of no one.