acceleration. these two weeks have been nothing but gaining speed. chicago by october. chicago by october. its becoming a mantra. but a tinge of desperation in it, feelings that are building and building, and if i dont make it, i'm going to crash again, like when i moved home. most people seem to think that three weeks with nothing to do is a blessing, that i should be greatful. but its driving me batty. there is so little to do, only so many things, that doing them becomes obsessive. riding my bike to exahustion. reading an average of a book every 3 days. checking email. thinking "what if". worrying. spending so much time alone does really strange things to the mind. when i am with people i feel so detached. hopefully when i reassimilate into society that will go away. a looming emptyness. hollow. feelings change daily if not hourly. elation. rage. sadness. unhappyness so boundless. so many things to be unhappy about. but its graded. some shades are much darker than others. and my moodiness doesn't even match what's happening anymore. which is confusing. i spend so much energy on swinging between happy and sad and angry. its a hair trigger. i get set off and it takes hours before i can relax again. if i had other things to occupy my time with, if i had contact with people and errands to run and a job to do it would help. usually when i am busy, things dont seem so dire. i need to get away from myself and become absorbed into the world again. and so, chicago by october. chicago by october. chicago by october. before i become completely dysfunctional.