i stayed home to write today
and because i had no clean clothes
but the laundry room is locked in my building.
figures.
random trivia= i have not done laundry yet in the city of chicago.
i moved here in december.
that doesn't mean that i have all that many clothes, it just means i cross state lines to wash them.
other things i am thinking about:
getting out of chicago.
where to go from here (DC,NYC,Indy)
outside of my family,
(which lay out the guilt every time i talk about moving, and the only reason i haven't done so. i love them, and i feel badly about how awful i was in the past to them and now i feel some sort of incredible obligation to do whatever they want me to now, since they forgave me, but that's a whole nother story and i digress...)
after heather moves, there's not a whole lot for me here. the job, yeah, but i can do tech support anywhere. and i've really been hating my job lately. (hense i stayed home today to write and am leaving on vacation next week.) i havent made friends really, i mean i know some people, but i can meet people to hang out with anywhere. i thought by now i would have met at least one person that i would have bonded with.
i need to be around friends. my family can only do so much for me, i dont really relate to them, and they dont understand me, my brain chemistry, and really i think a lot of those issues they attribute to either "feeling sorry for yourself" or "being crazy"...i mean explaining to them i was getting help for some legitimate problems explained a lot to them about why i am like i am, why i spent the entire months of january and february either at work, lying in bed crying, or at my mom and dads house crying. but it doesn't mean they can deal with it how i need them to. they dont get that most of the time i can't control it, even though now i am much, much, much happier and have a better grip on things, even though it slips when i get really stressed out... and being estranged from them for so long, and all the trust issues tied into it makes things like feelings awkward to talk about. i dont want to dissapoint...theyve made me feel like i have all my life...and it kills me because i am a perfectionist at heart. and when i hated them for how they treated me, i was the perfect fuckup, and when i got over that, i am now an overachieving corporate ladder climber, all american dream, and they are happy.
i am not happy. i want to be with the people who understand me, who like what i like, who dont judge me on my actions, that i can talk to...and on and on. i have not found those people here. i can do my job anywhere.
this loneliness breaks my heart more than i could ever try to explain. and nobody in chicago cares,
and nobody elsewhere can really help it.
but what i intended to write about, before this deluge ending up happening, was that i wrote 10 verses this morning, and i was going to post them one by one this afternoon.