i haven't done this in a long time, and i have plenty of time to work on this today. and i've been wanting to write write for a while. i was going to start it last night, but you know, trying to maintain my online persona, having an argument via IM, trying to do a decent update for the first time in oh, lets see, probably since i started working in september i think(?), i would start and then get distracted, then pick up where i left off and then get distracted again and forget where i was going with that thought then have to start all over again and then...you get the picture...
so anyway, yeah, what have i been doing? i dont know. for sure i've been getting that question a lot, and i never know what to say about it. that's not completely true, i guess it just depends on whos asking the question.
and i am being so squirrly--skirting around what i really want to say. i've been hesitant, and i haven't fully worked out all the reasons why yet, but have worked through enough of the equation to understand that i, perpetually worried about what others are thinking and wanting to be loved by everyone, am afraid of losing.
but
the thing is, what am i losing really? rationally, nothing at all. except ways to stroke my ego, go/to to assure that i'm okay i suppose. not suppose. i know. and admit. (finally? or known all along)
so yeah. i know i am online a minimum of 9 hours daily for work. and i know that i could spend some of this time online with my internet playmates, but like, i just haven't been feeling it for a while. i don't need the escapism or whatever, i'm not sure if escapism is the right word.
but i almost feel bad. part of it is because in some way, whatever way the internet allows, i know those people, and i almost feel like i'm dissing the virtual crowd to kick it with the actual. is that just ridiculous?
i dont know. but yeah.
for some reason i feel the need to say sorry.
so, what am i up to? upward mobility, harddaysnights, early bedtimes, moving to chicago dec 1., a lot of talking on the phone, seeing good shows, taking weekend trips, and oh yeah, being in love.