life, mine, has been a series of statements, statements: "I would rather XXXXX
than XXXXXX"
i would rather drown in my selfpity than go to therapy. i would rather fight than get along at work. I would rather trudge than find people to help me. i would rather be sad than take antidepressants. i would rather walk than get a ride. i would rather sleep on the floor than find some way to be comfortable some how some way.
all these statements are supposedly based on strength. "I would rather do the hard thing than the easy thing because thats what strong people do". Like most things you tell yourself, this is a blatant lie. I'm not strong. It's all based on fear. All based on fear. at the center of all those recirculations. would that you would just realize.
Stop Pitying Yourself, says our lady of disappearances. Would that I could oblige, truly. Perhaps I now am just another figure in the pantheon, a stone statue placed at one end of the colloseum spectrum, across from Our Father The Benevolent Goof, here is Our Daughter the Worthless, patron of malaise and nihilism. her color is sky blue her stone is pearl her scent is absence her current music is Dylan (and yes i know this contradicts my current trend of electroslutting it up on the stereo but in my quieter moments its all i can stand)
One more thing. Integrity is a word been bandied about as the highest human virtue, and usually I agree because its a damn good thing to have. But. Everything has integrity. A rock is but a rock a tree is but a tree. a platonic ideal is but a platonic ideal. why is it the highest human virtue to act like a rock? Its inanimate for fucks sake. The human mind is one of those few things which does not have integrity. It is mutable. Like the oceans. Is the ocean but an ocean? no look here its a glacier. no look here its a river. no look here its a cloud. Is the human but a human? oh look here it is an animal oh look here it is a devil an angel an architect a rock a sun a god an ant
I want to unlearn everything. This is what we are getting at. Total uneducation.