[a n t i j a m s e c t]

---------------------------

04 August 2005

it is so, so dangerous to lie awake at night imagining the perfect partner with some hidden part of me quietly aching for someone else.

breathing steadily, i push (pushPUSH) dangerous thoughts from my mind.

(when it comes to you, breaking my habits is nearly impossible)

timing and distance. timinganddistance.

i will make no brave or foolish moves.

i imagine i would lay my head to his perfect chest to hear a heart i would never break, for doing so would surely break mine. with my hand on his stomach i realize how solid he is (we are) and that my fingers have never felt you this way, or with this feeling behind them.

things might be different, if you and i were different people, with different lives.

but i cannot, nor wouldn't change things.
cannot, nor wouldn't risk the chance at what could be the strongest part of my life.

i push (pushPUSH) these dangerous ideas from my head and my heart.

you and i are like Utopia, magnificent but feasibly impossible and structurally unsound.

i imagine he and i are reality, beautiful and gritty in our salty sweat, our chapped lips, our breath and depth and battles and love...

but somehow it is still sad to me that betting on a fantasy has greater odds for success than betting on you.

[back] [archive] [forth]

---------------------------

. | note | book | survey | profile