my darling,
so, are you punishing me or punishing yourself?
i wonder sometimes. having another sleepless night and thought about calling you more than once, but since i deleted your number out of my phone to keep me from being constantly reminded of you every time i wanted to make a phone call, i'm not sure i have the numbers right anymore in my memory (although im sure that i do), or if you would even answer. not that it matters, because i guess at this point its not like i could call and say 'hey hows it going?' anyway and pretend nothing happened. im not even sure what happened. doesnt matter i suppose. if it did, i imagine i would have heard from you at some point, or we'd still be 'buddies' or whatever...i guess its much easier for you to walk away from someone you'll never be forced to confront.
so, i am making plans to move back into chicago...in may, or june, cutting my one year short because really, i was paying off all my debt mostly to save up and move somewhere east to be with you...but things have worked out differently than i orignally planned...and i am ready to be back in the city...i've gotten over my little depressive episode, and i've made amends with friends and made some new ones and just enjoying having a life i guess...i dont have to go out alone anymore, i have things to do, i've been playing around with making clothes and my new camera. i moved offices into a new building, have a new position and dont hate my job anymore...i've come up with lots of ways to take up the time, and for the most part its working. but i still can't go through a day without a passing thought about you, and kicking myself for caring, and so here i am at 2am, and having to work in the morning, and even though i'm not in bed under the covers whispering i love you over the phone, you still manage to keep me up entirely too late.
some things never change i guess.
as always,
j