for the past 3 days i've been trying to think of a way to artify the situation, or talk about something else, to keep up on the entries, or to distract myself, but i dont think that's going to happen. so im cutting the bullshit cause there's no way to make this pretty or sentimental or bittersweet.
my friend nancy was killed over the weekend. she died friday night from a gunshot wound to the head, fired by her ex-boyfriend. then he killed himself. i found out saturday afternoon after waking up around 11ish-totally regular day wrote my little diary thing sat down to read the paper and drink some coffee and on the front page there's nancy-and the phone rings and its chris and hes telling me what i am reading in the paper-and everything just kinda stops for a minute and then ---
i just kinda sat there.
i met nancy when i was 16 and she was 14. i always thought she was older than i-she just had this way about her, i dont know if she was just an old soul or she just led a hard life or whatever..i don't know...to me no matter how old she was, she was still older. and she never cared about herself as much as everyone around her-she was such a mothering type, and truly generous and kind to everyone. just one of those people who was everyone's friend, no matter what crew they hung out with, she always included everyone-the magnet that kept all the little factions of kids that hung out at denny's together.
and it was so sad, her dad, such a toughguy crying and talking crazy, and grandmother grabbing me and asking me if i would be her nancy now and poor nancy, who hated being alone is now buried in the ground in a plot of land all by herself and theres not even any graves around where hers is, and it was freezing cold the day of the funeral, and just standing in the snow staring at the casket with the wind blowing...i left her a note...i told her that even now she was still the great mediator, cause all these people and all the past somehow was erased the day she died, everyone who left years ago hating each other were crying on each others shoulders.
i saw people i hadn't talked to in years and it was such a messed up way to have a reunion, and so awkward to talk to all these people that i had cut myself off from years ago. catching up with them after the funeral and having them tell me what they've been doing for the past few years...it was so depressing cause everyone is so fucked up...doing nothing...still living with their parents...no ambitions or drive or anything...and i felt so weird because i escaped, and i am doing things with myself, and happy, and in a way it was almost like i felt like why do i deserve all that i have when all these people, they are good people, have gotten so lost and unlucky and depressed and given up and they are not even 25 years old.
i am so angry and upset about a lot of things after this weekend. its not fair that such a smart and beautiful girl with all this promise was pulling herself up and out and going to college and being independent and happy was taken away but such a brutal and selfish act by someone elses hand who had no right to take the most basic privilege people have-life-away from her- and then not even have the courage to take responsibility...