antijamsect: cause i didn't wake up one day and just turn into a completely different person.
cable5ive: You just changed
cable5ive: Became who you really are
antijamsect: evil
antijamsect: yeah i know
cable5ive: found yourself
cable5ive: No
cable5ive: I don't think you're evil
antijamsect: but look how alive i look in the first one and how dead i look in the second
cable5ive: Maybe you're not who you should be then
cable5ive: I dunno
antijamsect: i dont know who i should be. maybe i should be dead. i think that would be a good persona for me.
antijamsect: or a crackwhore. or something.
cable5ive: don't say that
cable5ive: why do you say that?
antijamsect: because i'm tired of thinking. i want an out. everything i do is a mistake. take last weekend for example.
cable5ive: do you want to be who you used to be?
antijamsect: i wasn't happy then either, you can see it in my eyes, that i wasn't.
cable5ive: have you ever been happy?
antijamsect: i dont remember. probably when i was a kid.
cable5ive: i'm the same way
cable5ive: at least you graduated college
antijamsect: well it sucks. its not fair. its totally not fair that people can be satisfied and i never can.
antijamsect: yeah i know. but i feel like there should be more.
antijamsect: i'm not fulfilled.
cable5ive: i feel the same sometimes
cable5ive: i not either
cable5ive: i'm miserable n=most of the time
antijamsect: i dont know where to find it either. obviously its not going to be in making out with strangers
cable5ive: hahahaaaa
cable5ive: why do you feel so bad about it
antijamsect: you think its funny. but its not really. all the fun i had with that person was erased the minute we left physical proximity.
cable5ive: uh
antijamsect: well regardless. that's besides the point ben, i mean, the thing is all the fun all the connection and excitement that was there before is gone now.
cable5ive: and it makes you feel empty
cable5ive: your so lucky to be alive
antijamsect: now its just like "i know you and i'm uncomfortable, i dont really want anything from you but i'm pissed youre not falling at my feet."
antijamsect: that's how i feel about the past weekend.
cable5ive: you wanted him to fall for you?
cable5ive: not literally
antijamsect: : )i dont know what i wanted. maybe. or not. i say no in reason, because no, i dont want any attachmentss
cable5ive: did you kind of want to talk to him more
antijamsect: but then emotionally yeah, i wanted someone to adore me, just so i could feel good about being adored.
cable5ive: i understand
cable5ive: were you drunk?
antijamsect: well see that's the thing. any guy who i would like to have as a friend, i should never touch because if i like their personality it hurts that i can't be friends after things like that happen.
antijamsect: no i wasn't drunk at all
antijamsect: maybe i should have been then there would be an excuse
antijamsect: it is hard. and i dont know what is the right answer.
cable5ive: i feel real bad
cable5ive: if you feel bad go with your gut feeling
antijamsect: because everybody wants a warm body to sleep next to, but it comes at such a high price.